Bob bought me a generic fitbit. I wore it last night and was afraid that the Chinese government was downloading all of my personal information and hacking into my life. The directions to set up the thing were mainly in Chinese and very bad English. This made me incredibly nervous, but I wore the thing anyway because Bob took the time to get me this as a gift. I guess he is worried about my health.
You are supposed to wear this thing 24/7. It monitors your heartbeats per minute, steps taken, kcal (what ever that is), blood pressure, fatigue level, sleep, and some other things I don't really remember. I was nervous all last night while (trying) to sleep that I was going to get cancer from having this GFB (generic fitbit) so close to my brain. (I sleep with my hands either near my head or down by my sides.) Needless to say, I got a pretty crummy sleep. GFB said that I got 8 hours and 21 minutes of sleep of which only 1 hour and 9 minutes was deep sleep. That sounds pretty awful to me. No wonder I am always so damn tired.
While playing with GFB this morning I noticed that I could set a daily goal for the amount of steps I want to take each day. I chose 10,000 steps because I thought I remembered reading somewhere that that number of steps will help you lose weight. I really need to do that.
I feel like I am always saying this, but I am fatter now than I have ever been. I am obese, or so say all of the websites I have visited. I don't feel obese. I feel a lot of times like the girl from the movie in Shallow Hal. Inside of me I am a skinny person, so I don't really pay attention to what I look like on the outside unless I am going to buy new clothes and then I almost throw up when I actually have to pick out clothing sizes and then try them on in the fitting room. Then I realize how fat I am. But I try to avoid putting myself through that torture, and so I rarely buy myself new clothes.
I never in a million years thought I would weigh as much as I do. It's crazy how this weight has kinda crept up on me. And yet it's also crazy how quickly I have been gaining weight. I know, I know, those two sentences contradict each other. Welcome to my world. Since last May I have gained 20 lbs. Since moving to Oregon I have gained about 30 lbs total.
I have found that I am a much deeper emotional eater than I thought. I figured this out when I tried to control my portions for 2 weeks last summer. I lost 7 lbs in those two weeks, but was constantly stopping myself from eating because I had to be accountable to these colored containers I bought and I didn't want to eat more than my allotted colors for the day. That was a wake up call for sure - to see how much I use food as an emotional crutch. Combine that with how much I hate living in Portland and how miserable I have been here for the last 18 months and it is no wonder I have gained 30 lbs of emotional baggage called extra weight.
It is always so fun to see the "encouragement" from people on the web about their weight loss journeys. My favorite are those hard asses who see being fat as a huge weakness and cannot fathom how people cannot just eat right and exercise daily. How weak we are for being fat and kinda miserable and how we cannot just "get over it" and exercise and eat right. I used to get incredibly pissed off at these people, but now I just laugh.
Anyway, back to GFB. (I need to think of a name for this thing.) My heart's beats per minute and blood pressure were really high today. I measured my heart rate both in the morning and this afternoon. After googling my results and checking them against several websites I got scared because I am much more unhealthy than I ever thought possible. Maybe my headaches (I get headaches all of the damn time) are not from having MS or NMO (like my mother and daughter do), but rather from high blood pressure.
I have probably made my blood pressure higher all afternoon because I have been so scared that I am going to drop dead of a heart attack. (I am a bit dramatic. Been so all of my life.) I never realized how sick my body was until having this GFB. I think its time to do something about my weight for real. Because now I am scared. And I have never been scared about my weight before. Before I always wanted to lose weight to look good - it had nothing to do with my health. But now I want to lose weight because I am scared shitless that I am going to die or do serious harm to my body because I am so overweight.
Someone my height is supposed to be between 122-158 lbs. I have a lot of work to do. Like between 70-90 lbs of work to do. This is going to be so hard. But as Glennon Doyle says, "We can do hard things", so I know this can be done.
I just have no idea what I am doing. Well, maybe not 'no idea' because its 5:08 pm and I busted my butt today walking and have 11,952 steps already.
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