A Picture Worth A 1000 Words

Things always work out as they are supposed to. Always. Even when I am not ready to admit it or when I don't like how things have turned out. Even things that I wish hadn't happened have a way of working themselves out to explain why they did. Sometimes for reasons known or unknown at the current moment these situations expose how this is how it is meant to be. Everything, everything always works out exactly as it was meant to. My lack of faith allows me to forget this time and time again. I worry and stress and experience sometimes extreme anxiety, and time and again it always works out. You would think I would have a little more trust in God after all of these years, but I still struggle.

 I am so thankful that I believe in a God that allows me to come to Him time and again apologizing for my lack of faith, and knowing that He will still love me, protect me, and guide me. My faith has become important to me again in a way that I haven't experienced since New Mexico. I can feel God again. While I lived in Oregon I couldn't feel God. I felt an empty space where God should have been. I saw beautiful things and met a few beautiful people, but there was something missing. Something I couldn't explain. I couldn't really feel God regularly in Ohio either. I would feel His presence sporadically, sometimes in a church balcony  or alone in the woods, but it was never consistent. When I moved to New Mexico and sat in my backyard looking out over the valley below, or sat on top of 'A' Mountain, or hiked Pine Tree Trail, or visited White Sands National Park, or Cloudcroft, or my beloved Soledad Canyon, or looked into the faces of my friends and tribe, I could see and feel God. God's presence was everywhere. And for first time in a long time, I was content and happy. I felt peace. I lived a life full of wonder and appreciation for where I was. I lived a life of gratitude. 

I could not tell you why I knew Indianapolis was where we were supposed to go. I just knew when the opportunity presented itself that this was where we needed to be. The quiet voice within shouted to me and jolted me awake that this was to be our healing place. I laugh when I think that this is where God sent us to heal. It is boring here. No mountains or oceans, no desert or lush pine forests, no exotic locations or animals. There is nothing exciting here. But maybe that it just the point. Maybe we are supposed to spend this time rebuilding our foundation - repairing the cracks - shoring up the corners to make the whole base strong again. 

I can see and feel the progress already. Slowly but surely I am gaining my footing and remembering my vision for our family. We are not the same family we once were, but no one is ever the same from year to year. We all change and grow (or wilt) depending on our experiences. Sometimes we are left with scars. Scars are proof that we made it through something very hard and painful, and are still standing. Scars are what help us to really appreciate the good times. 

  Bob is the heart of this family. He keeps this family alive. But I? I am its soul. I am what keep us living. And while a heart is needed to sustain a life. A soul is needed to live a life. I had forgotten that I am its soul until Elizabeth made me a card that had a tree with branches jutting out from the top of a strong tall trunk. On the branches were the names: Lily, Sam, Elizabeth, Sarah, Bob, Andy, Josh,  Ruby, and Charlotte. My name was not on a branch because I was the trunk. On the side of the tree were the words: "You give this family life just like this tree." From Elizabeth's perspective all of the people in our family will grow big and strong if the trunk (me) is healthy and strong. From Elizabeth's perspective I am the center, the base, the strength of this family. I am the root of life for all of the rest of the members of our family who reside within the walls of our home. That is so powerful. And carries so much weight, but it is so true. I forget truth. Like my grandfather before me, I am the soul of our family. My family cannot thrive the way it is supposed to without me. I needed to see those words and that picture from Elizabeth. I forget my worth. All of the time. I let the inner critic drown out the quiet voice within, and I begin to doubt my value and my goodness. 

This picture is worth a thousand words to me. I have always loved trees. I have always felt comfort among them. There is something about a tree that makes me feel restored, refreshed, at peace, at home. There is a truth that I find - a clarity if you will - that I receive from being in the midst of a forest. Trees don't hide. They stand tall and weather storms. They grow and spread their branches in the presence of the sun and take the pounding of a rainstorm - storing its wetness in its roots to be used to grow.  It's leaves whisper the stories of a thousand different tales. A tree will give all she has for her offspring ensuring that they can grow big and strong enough to weather a thousand storms and tell a thousand tales themselves. A tree will join her roots with those around her to protect not only herself, but those she loves from breaking during the really hard times that life sometimes offers. I love trees so much when I am brave enough I plan on getting a tattoo of one. Their significance to me is huge, so it touched me deeply that my daughter should compare me to a tree - to remind me that to my family I am the tree of life. I am the tree of their lives.  The significance of her words have taken hold of me. I hope that I can hold on to them and remember them always.