I think that some people think I am one step away from the loony bin, and I am ready to jump off of a bridge. Please know that this is absolutely positively NOT the case. Not gonna happen. I hope that reading this post though will help some of you understand where I am coming from, and what I need most from you.
When someone we love is hurting I think it is human nature to want to help that person. The impulse to want to make things better for that person is the first thing that most of us react to. It is particularly that way in women, and even more so I have found in my life, mothers. We want to rush to the aid of those in need and fix it all. We want to offer advice, console, hug, love, talk to, and be with the person who is aching. I know that I do this all of the time.
But, what happens when the person who heart is hurting just needs us to sit still and be with them in spirit? What happens when it is not words or solutions that one is looking for, but rather just the quiet company of others to sit with them during their time of grief and mourning?
It is the rare person who can just sit in that space with someone who is hurting and dealing with loss and do nothing but offer the quiet presence of another being. I know I don't think I can do that for another. My impulse to help and fix is too strong.
It is this reason alone that I choose to share so much of my hurt and loss with you. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I don't know if I ever will. I do know that I need to get these feelings out somehow. I want to be able to write about it here, and to know that I am being heard, but not have anyone rush to my aid to make things better. I need to work through this hard time. I need to learn to be comfortable just sitting in this grief. I tend to rush it and try to make things better too soon. I think you can see that in this space. One day I write a post that is just heartbreaking, and the next day I am going to conquer the world. It is exhausting - this pendulum of emotions that I force myself to be on because it is just so hard for me to be in the presence of negative emotions. Just as others try to rush to my aid to make me feel better (and I know that they all come from a place of love) I too rush to my own healing process and put a band aid over my hurt trying fix things. But then the grief seeps through the band aid and instead of healing the wound it just makes it worse.
Please understand that I am not in any place that I am going to do anything irrational. I love my life, I love my children, and I love my husband. I am just finally able to begin to really grieve for all that I have been through these last 15 months. I cannot imagine too many more emergencies regarding Sarah's vision, and therefore that adrenaline rush that I have been living on for the last year is finally coming to a crash. Reality is setting in for me, and it is hard for me to deal with.
That doesn't mean I am not going to make this the best life I can. It doesn't mean that I am not going to rock this life I have been given. It just means that sometimes there are some really ugly times in one's life. This is one of mine. I choose to share it in this space with you because I know that most of you have gone through some really ugly times too. I know that in some capacity you can relate to feelings of grief and sadness. Feelings that life is not what you had planned. My experience is unique because it is mine alone. Just as your experience in this life is unique because it is yours alone. But our feelings are common. Grief is grief. Happiness is happiness. It is our emotions that bond us together. You may not know what it is like to have a child with an incurable illness, but you know what it is like to be going through a gut wrenching divorce. Or maybe an illness or the loss of a loved one has caused you utter despair. Our experiences are different, but the emotions we feel not unique. They are the same. So when I write about my pain you can feel it through your own experiences. They are what bond us together.
Part of the reason I have not been posting is because, as I said yesterday, I was getting sick of myself, but it was also because I felt that I couldn't share my honest feelings with you. I know that I have been freaking some of you out, and I don't want to do that. That has never been my intention. But if I cannot share the parts of me that I need to share here, then I won't have anywhere else to go. Sometimes the parts that need to be shared the most are the ones that aren't the prettiest. I need this space. I need to be able to share ALL of me in it. That means the good times and the bad times, but also the really bad times too. It is healing for me.
So, if you are freaking out about me - please don't. I am going to be okay. I promise. Just some days aren't going to look all sunshine and roses. Some times that day may turn into many days, but in the end I will be okay. When I need to reach out and get advice from you I will. I need to sort through the wide range of emotions that I am feeling on any given day, and I need to know that you are there sitting with me too. 'Cause you know what? If you really want to help me, and really want to see me heal -then sit with me in this sacred space that makes up my blog. Be with me in thought, prayer, and spirit. Tell me you love me if you feel compelled to say something to me. But please, don't try to fix me because all that is showing me is that it is not okay to feel what I am feeling. And you know what? Someday, when your heart is hurting, because inevitably it will, and you need me I will control my impulse to help fix you when you are hurting, and I will sit with you in your feelings for as long as it takes until you are able to get on your own two feet again. I promise.
No comments:
Post a Comment