Something Beautiful

All of his time - that is what he gave me. No matter what else was going on in his life he always had time for me. Sometimes he had more time than others, but he always gave all he had to me. He gave all of his time to others as well, but looking back on that time decades later I only know this to be true because I know his character and the kind of man he is. And if he gave his time to me he would give it to all, but I don't remember it that way. The way he made me feel was like there was no one else in the world more special to him than me. (I have a feeling I am not the only one who feels this way about him.) No matter how tired he was, or how stressful a day he had had at work, or whatever other pressing issues he had in his life he never showed it with me.

"Grandpa, can we go for a walk around the lake?"
"Grandpa, can we go for a longer walk through the fire trails?"
"Grandpa, will you take me in the boat?"
"Grandpa, will take me on a truck ride?"
"Grandpa, will you play a game with me?"
"Grandpa, will you take me ice skating?"
"Grandpa, will you color with me?"

Always the answer was yes. Sometimes when I would bombard him (which was always as soon as he would walk in the door or up the hill from the garage he parked his truck in) he would ask me to give him some time before going on our adventure or spending time together. When this happened he would ask if we could delay our excursion until after dinner. But he was always good on his word. And we always went. It didn't matter that he had spent the hot summer day putting a new roof on a building. Nor did it matter if he spent the day in the cold chill of a New York winter plowing the roads of the property where he lived and worked clearing the way so that others could go about their lives a little bit easier. I always knew all I had to ask and he would grant my wish.

One time, while on a longer walk through the fire trails that worked their way through the forested property, he had me tell him every lyric of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire and he explained what each word was referring to.(Billy Joel was and is one of my favorite musicians.) And he never rushed through the song to get to the end. He carefully and patiently went through every single part of that song. (If you know anything about that track you would know there is a lot of history packed into that song.) That was probably 25 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. He probably has forgotten about that because his life was made up of a million moments just like this memory of mine. Patiently taking time with those around him. Giving all of himself in each moment. I always knew when my grandfather spent time with me all of him was present. I didn't get a distracted Grandpa. I got all of him. Looking back as an adult I have no idea how he managed to do this. It is so hard for me to give myself to my kids day in and day out over and over again. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house the first decade or so of my life. And then thereafter I spent as much time as life would allow.

And yet, there was always a part of him that I could never quite touch. A naturally quiet man of few words, I would often catch him staring off into the distance deep in thought.  I so often wanted to ask him what he was thinking about. I hardly did though because as much as he gave I always got the feeling that there were pieces of him that he kept locked away. And I loved him so much that I wanted to respect that part of him that he didn't or couldn't share. He gave so much of himself to me freely and lovingly, but even as a child I intuitively knew that there was so much more to him below the surface.

For all of my life my grandfather has loved books. Particularly books on history and animals. He always seemed so smart to me. He still does. But it wasn't until I was well into my teens that I learned that my grandfather never graduated from high school. At the time this news shocked me because he was/is such a learned man.  Decades later we would sit in his backyard (in house he had paid for almost entirely in cash) and he would tell me that this was one of his biggest regrets - not finishing his high school education. He said he thought about going back as an adult and getting his GED, but never did. And the only thing I could think to say is that he should go back and do so if it would mean that much to him. It was until just recently that I realized that his lack of formal education seemed to be an embarrassment to him. And I hope that he never felt less than because he didn't have a piece of paper that said he passed a written test. Meaningful success is so much more than that. There are men with advanced degrees who could learn so much from a man like my grandfather.

If I was ever a burden to him he never let it show. Not once. I always felt like it was a joy for him to be with me. What a gift that was to a child. What a gift that is to me still.

He was never one to be big on material gifts. My grandmother was queen in that department. And as generous as my grandfather was with his time she was just as generous with her wallet. My grandmother is an amazingly complicated woman. She is fierce and loyal. She will do anything for a neighbor, friend, family member without thinking twice. The sound of her laughter will always be etched into my memory. (Along with her white jean booty shorts and crop tops.) So will the steely look she would give you when you had crossed the line with her. I love her fiercely, but it is my grandfather that has my heart.

As my kids grow and I struggle with all that Bob had I hoped to give our kids (both materially and non materially) and in all the ways we both feel we have fallen short my thoughts have come back to my grandfather. With the exception of a wooden doll house he made me when I was child my grandfather didn't give much in the way of materialistic things, but he gave me something so much greater. He gave me himself. And in doing so he gave me everything.  He gave me something beautiful.

Maybe my kids don't want the best trips or the latest gadgets. Maybe the most meaningful thing I can give them is my time. Unhurried time. Time where my kids know that they have all of me and not the distracted version of me I so often give them. If my grandfather's investment in me with his time is any indicator of how life changing this would be for my kids - I don't really know what I am waiting for.. It would mean that my kids would know that they were loved unconditionally and always. That they were never a burden to me. That I delighted in them. That  found them interesting and worthy. That what they had to say was important and had value. That time being with them was the most worthy way to spend my days.  These are all of the things I felt in the presence of my grandfather.

To this day being with my grandfather is one of my most favorite places to be.  After a 38 year relationship I know that I am just as loved as I always have been. I know that I make my grandfather proud. I know that he will give me all of this time any day of the week and any time of the day.  That I have just as much value as I always have. That I will always have a safe place to land in his arms. I know that there is nothing I could ever do to make him not love me. His love is unconditional.

It is said that most people want to know that they have made a difference in this world in order to feel like they have been successful. To some people making a difference means doing so to the masses. To others it means doing so to just one individual. If this is truly how success is defined then I know that my grandfather is one of the most successful people on this earth not only for the amount of people whose lives he has made a difference in, but also because of the depth of that difference. If you were to get a birds eye view of my grandfather's life you would see hundreds of people who he treated just like me. So many testimonials of how the gift of his time changed their lives. As I said earlier, my grandfather gave all he had willingly and unbegrudgingly to all. I would venture to say he made us all feel like we were the apple of his eye.

The love that I have for my grandfather is like no other love I have in my life. It is unique and special. It is completely unconditional. It goes both ways. There is nothing he could ever do to change my love for him and vice versa.  It is truly a gift that I do not take for granted. It is a once in a lifetime kinda love. And  I am so glad I get to have the kind of love with him. I am also immensely grateful that I have been blessed with so much earthly time with him. Not many people I know get to have their grandparents on this earth with them for 38 years.  I can think of no better person to share that with.

I write this post as the days grow closer and closer to Christmas. A time that is now synonymous with giving and receiving of gifts. I have been thinking about the gifts that my children will receive this year. Will they receive too much? Not enough? Will they be the right ones? These thoughts have led me towards others. I began to think of my own life and the gifts I have received. As I pondered my thoughts it wasn't the material things that I have gotten that mean the most to me. It was gifts like my grandfather gave me that have been the best gifts of all. They are the most lasting and the most important. The gift of his time and the memories created out of that space is the best gift I ever have or will receive in my whole life.

He gave me something beautiful.