Except that sometimes children don't show any cracks in their armor until they explode. Except sometimes damage is done in the name of "good parenting". I am very sad to say that this was the case in our house, and it all came to a head last night.
Andy and Josh got into a fight. I would say that 99% of the time they get along, but they are brothers and sometimes when they fight they really get into it. As a way to vent his frustration over something Josh did Andy pushed him, and accidentally pushed him into the corner of a wall which caused Josh to bash his shoulder and split open his eyebrow. (Honestly, it was one of the goriest, grossest things ever. I thought I was going to have to take Josh to the hospital because of the cut over his eye. No longer are my boys little where when they fight it is just a small scuffle. They are growing boys with growing strength. One little push or shove can be quite a big push or shove.)
Andy felt terrible. His face was white as a ghost and he kept on apologizing while I was trying to clean Josh up.After I had gotten Josh settled down and cleaned up I went into Andy's room, not to yell at him (because I knew how terrible he felt), but to ask him what he was thinking when he decided to shove his brother. His response was not what I expected at all. He broke down and started sobbing.
My young man sobbed for a good hour, and words poured out of his heart that I knew he had been storing there for a long, long time. I would have cried myself at what he was saying, but that would have only made him feel worse, so I kept my tears tucked away. All of this "good" parenting that Bob and I have been providing Andy has actually been harming his spirit. It is the reason he has become so sullen and withdrawn. It is why he chooses to stay in his room instead of hanging out with us sometimes. It is why he is afraid to come to both Bob and me sometimes - he is afraid we are going to yell at him.
Bob and I ride Andy pretty hard. If I am being completely honest that is the truth. It embarrasses me to write that, but we do. We ride him because he always has his head in the clouds. What should take him 45 minutes do to in math will take him literally hours. It takes him so long because he will stare into space or get distracted by a piece of dust or doodle with his pencil. This happens in between EVERY single math problem. Spelling is no easier. So Andy has come to dread his schoolwork. And Bob and I have come to dread him doing it because it is so freaking frustrating. So, we tell him to get his head out of the clouds, or to focus more, or to get it together. Or we chastise him about what his life would be like if he was in the public school and he didn't have hours to get an assignments done. Or we ask him what is he going to do as an adult? Never once did we encourage his creativity. Never once have we asked him if his math and spelling were too hard or something that he enjoyed doing. Never once have we asked him what kind of learning would excite him or interest him. Not once.
And so day after day we were damaging him. And day after day he was storing all of this negative feedback from Bob and I and keeping in his heart until it came out of him in explosive anger towards his brother. He was so sad that he hurt Josh, and he was so afraid that he was becoming like others outside our immediate family that have anger issues. I sat by his side the whole time, and just took in his words. I knew right then and there things had to change. How terrible we have been treating him in the name of "good" parenting. We were trying for form him into the person we wanted him to be rather than allowing him to flourish into the person that he wants to be and already is.
Obviously, Bob and I get a big fat 'F' on this quarter's parenting report card. Not only can we do better, but we need to do better. I know this may sound strange, but I am really glad last night happened (as much as it hurt Josh, Andy, Bob and me) because this needed to come to light. We desperately need to make changes in the way that we parent Andy (and we also need to evaluate how we parent everyone else too). That poor boy has been unintentionally made to feel unwelcome and unappreciated in his own home. How terrible is that? I feel just awful and sad that I caused his hurt. I feel embarrassed that I pride myself on how in tune I try to be with my kids, and look at how "in tune" I was with Andy. I have made that boy suffer needlessly.
Riding him was not motivating him - it was crushing him. I have got to find a better way. No matter how unconventional, I have got to educate and parent Andy the way he needs to be parented and educated. I think instead of trying to figure this thing out my own though, I need to ask Andy what his needs are both from a parenting and educational standpoint. He should have a bigger say in the important things in his life than I allow him.
Time to make all the wrong right. I promised myself that I would be the best parent I could be to my children. It is time to make good on that promise.
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