204

Every since I have become a mama I have been overweight. With each child I gained a few more pounds and over the course of 16 years I have gained a total of 60 pounds.  I have tried countless times to lose weight. Sometimes with success and sometimes not. I have tried Weight Watchers so many times that the 8th time I signed up for it the woman at the counter made a comment about how many times I previously tried the program. I never went to another Weight Watchers meeting again.

I wear clothes that are not very flattering because I want to try and hide my body, but in doing so I make myself look even fatter. I cannot tell you the last time I was able to go to a clothing store and not cringe walking through the doors wondering what size I was going to be this time.  How much bigger had I gotten since the last time I embarrassed myself and tried on clothes. I hate clothes shopping for this reason.

How many times do I take the picture instead of being in the picture because I don't want to see myself in a photograph?

How many years am I going to keep on squeezing into my clothes? How many more times and I going to tell myself that this time I am going to lose the weight and keep it off for good?  How many more times am I going to hang my head in shame because I did not lose weight and am still fat.

I am considered obese by medical standards. I have been that way for years.

I avoid doing certain activities because I do not want to draw attention to myself because my weight makes me feel self conscious, but not self conscious enough to do anything about it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I do to myself - the bullying that I do to myself. I know that I cannot be alone in this. We women are a lot more similar than we allow ourselves to believe. I know that there are those of you who struggle with your health and feel the same way I do.

Instead of reaching out to others to ask for help and support in trying to lose weight I hide behind my emotions and try to handle getting healthy on my own. I fear that I will not receive any support, but rather just leering stares about how I could let myself go like this.

I cringe when I stand on the scale. I weight 25 more pounds than my husband. Isn't the woman supposed to weight less than her husband?

I envy skinny women who can wear whatever they want. I envy women who radiate beauty and a comfort in their own skin. I love seeing a woman who has runner's legs. Those lean muscles in her calves that are evidence of her hard work. I want to be that woman too. What stops me? How much longer and how many more years am I going to go accepting my unhealthy body?

To me, losing weight is no longer about the number. My mind knows this, but the critic in me holds me hostage to the number.  I have spent too many years worrying about my weight.  I need to free myself from the hold that it has on me. Why does the number really matter? People can clearly see that I am overweight. Why do I live in fear of the number of pounds I am? If I lost the 60 pounds, but did it in an unhealthy and unsustainable way would that make me happy? Yes, I could go into most stores and I could have the freedom to wear what I want, but is that what I want?

Am I really looking to get to a magic number? Or am I looking to get rid of the critic that makes me feel terrible about myself? For so many years I believed it was the former I was seeking. Now I know that it is that latter that I need to dispose of.

My inner critic holds me captive.

I know that almost all of us, as women, struggle with this issue. This issue isn't about weight. It is about loving ourselves as we are right now despite what the media wants us to believe. It is about offering all of those who make a buck off of our insecurities and giving them the bird.

I weigh 204 pounds. I tell you this because the number of pounds my body carries has had a hold on me for 16 years. I don't want to be a hostage anymore. I don't want to hide myself or my body anymore. I want to love it. And by loving it I know that I will take care of it. This is just another of the journeys that I am meant travel while living in Las Cruces.

So I am going to start traveling down this new road - this road to health. It isn't about starting a new diet or a new trend. It is about loving myself, so much that I want the best for myself. Just as I would want for those I love. It is about putting myself at the front of the list instead of at the bottom where I never can seem to get to.

This is about whole health. Health of my mind. Health of my body. Health of my soul.

 Travel with me if you like. Tell me what is working for you. Tell me what is not working and I will do the same. Let's see ourselves as sisters on noble journey not as enemies to compare ourselves against. We can accomplish so much more together than we can alone.