The beauty and sacredness of living here is that God has truly given me some time to reflect on so many things. He has shown me so much about myself that I cannot imagine another time in my life when I will experience such rapid and unbelievable growth. As I walk in this new Christian life and I try very hard to become as much like Jesus as humanly possible I have been given these opportunities to really look at myself. I have been shown, through the grace of God, some areas where I struggle (which is no surprise to me because my inner critic only points them out every hour of every day it seems), but I have also been able to look at myself and see areas where I flourish.
On Sunday, part of what our pastor talked about during his sermon was how dangerous our tongues are and how dangerous our thoughts can be. It was a particularly powerful sermon for me because I tend to talk too much about nonsense things, but also because my tongue is not very kind on a more regular basis than I willing to admit. And while there are many external relationships that I really need to focus on in terms of what comes out of my mouth the most important relationship that I need to work on is the one I have with myself. I talk to myself everyday whether it is an external conversation or an internal one. The things I say to myself I would never say to another human being, so why I am saying them to me? If I am being completely honest I would say that I am abusive to myself. It is evident in the way I treat my body and it is evident in the way I think about myself.
The way I treat myself angers God. Because I am made in His likeness, he would like me to have the same compassion and forgiveness and love that He has for me. So, how do I change a lifetime of being wickedly cruel to myself? The answer lies in my faith in God. He will show me the way.
To the outside world it may seem simple, right? If I am running on empty take more time to myself more often to fill my tank up. If I want to lose weight eat less calories than I burn off. But sometimes 1 + 1 doesn't equal two. Taking more time away from my family, if it is not quality time, doesn't help me very much. And trying to lose weight (for the millionth time) without understanding why I keep gaining it back and why I don't value myself enough to want optimal personal health for me is silly.
Fixing the end problem without understanding why the problem exists to begin with is ludicrous! But yet I do it over and over again...why?!
Why do we, as women, treat ourselves the way we do? Why is it that when we see women who actually do take care of themselves we criticize them for being bad mothers or selfish women? Why do we pit ourselves against one another? Why do we alienate ourselves from each other? We have so much to offer. God made us compassionate loving beings so that we could go out and support and love one another - not just our husbands (if we choose to be married) or our children (if we choose to have children), but to each other as well!
Maybe I have a weakness that you consider a strength of yours and vice versa. Why are we not coming together to use our strengths to help those become stronger in their own lives in that particular area?
I shared with you my weight the other day because how many of us struggle with our weight all alone? How many of us get on a scale and chastise ourselves for being fat (still or again)? That post made me feel incredibly naked. I exposed one of (what I considered) my most shameful secrets and turned it around on itself. My point in that post was to free myself (and in turn giving you the freedom to free yourselves) of a silly number that we cling to and allow it to determine how we feel about ourselves.
I don't know what doors God is going to open up for me. All I know is that I am going to rely on him 100% to guide me on whatever path He is leading me down. I am scared and so very excited. If are at a point in your life where you are ready to come with me - let's do it together. If you are not at that point yet - know that that is okay too. Love yourself right where you are at. You are meant to to be exactly where you are at this point in your life even if it doesn't feel so good.
I am willing to share my journey with you - where ever it may lead. I will share my highs and my lows. I will be completely open and honest with you. For so long I have neglected myself as a person in order to be what I thought was a better mother and wife. What I should have been doing was taking care of myself first. In doing so, it was then that I could have been a better wife and mother. We women, are more than just moms and wives. We are individual souls who have so much to offer as unique beings. Wherever you are on your journey - embrace it and love it - if you can. And know that I am praying for you. You have me in your corner.
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