I cannot tell you why I hated living Portland. Hated it with all of my being. I mean, I could tell you that I didn't like the traffic, the cost of living, the wealth in the area that we lived in, the weather, and the general overall lack of warmth of the people here - not very inclusive and not very welcoming to outsiders. But one could also argue that the things that we could change - like the area we lived in and looking for inclusive & welcoming people could have changed the way we felt about living here.
And maybe that is true. Maybe if we had moved to a more rural part of the area or if we tried to seek out one group of people after another to become part of our tribe we would have felt differently. But I don't think so.
As you all know, I am a feelings person. And I can specifically remember, Bob and I sitting on the balcony of our townhouse the first week we moved to Portland and having this feeling sink into the bottom of my gut that we made a wrong move. I knew within the first few days that this place was not for us, and that I was in deep trouble.
Being the stubborn person I am though, I tried for a really long time to prove myself wrong. After our family tried to get settled I assumed that my tribe would formulate. In Ohio and New Mexico my tribe was my soccer family and my homeschooling peeps. I assumed that this would be the case here too. Boy, was I wrong. Neither of these groups of people panned out for us. I got a job at a retailer to get out of the house a day or two week and also to try and meet new people who might have families that I could make connections with. And although I did meet some really great people, few of them had kiddos and those that did had just one or two who were babies/toddlers.
On top of all of this was the fact that I know that just about everybody loves Portland. With the exception of one young lady I met on a plane ride back to Cleveland who had moved to Portland to work for Nike, and said that she didn't like living here, it seems like everyone everywhere believes that Portland is the mecca for happy living. Which made me wonder (and compounded the problem even more deeply) what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't even like living here let alone love it? I would really berate myself over this because I felt ungrateful - there is so much beauty here and so many things to do and so many opportunities - why couldn't I just allow those things to take over my psyche and allow me to like being here?! After all everyone loves it here both those that actually live here and those that wish they lived here.)
But I couldn't.
And the more I would try and the more I would beat myself up for not being like everyone else and loving it here, the deeper I would sink. It has been awful. I feel like I have been drowning for almost two years. Despite friends and family all over this amazing country that I could have reached out to at any moment for help - I have never felt more alone.
These past two years have been harder on me than even the couple of years that Sarah was really sick. I know that the tone of this space has taken on tone of a woman desperately trying to hold on, but I don't think I ever was really able to express just how thin the string I was holding on to got. I know that I took this space to some pretty dark places. Thank you for staying with me.
I feel fragile right now. I feel weak. Living here has taken a toll on every part of me. But I also feel more hopeful than ever. I feel a light shining on me and within me that I wasn't sure that I would ever feel again.
Just like Las Cruces was the perfect place for our family in that chapter of our lives, I just know that Indianapolis is just what we need at this time. I know it with a sureness I cannot explain. When Bob came home from work to let me know the Indy opportunity was out there there were two other opportunities as well on the table. Both of those opportunities would have kept us out west where I thought I never wanted to leave. But as soon as Bob mentioned the Indy job I knew that this was meant for us. It was where we were supposed to be. And so we left those other opportunities on the table. We pulled out of one of them and left the other one sitting untouched. Bob knows that my intuition kicks in that he should follow it. It has never led us wrong before. Never.
I know that Indy will not be perfect. There will be hardships and annoyances. I will get aggravated with certain things for sure. But Las Cruces wasn't perfect either. I could rattle off 5 things right now that drove me absolutely crazy about that city. No, Las Cruces wasn't perfect, and neither will Indy be, but it will be perfectly right for our family.
It is the new beginning we so desperately need. I, for one, cannot wait to share this journey with you. I am so excited. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I want to savor each moment of this process. I feel myself coming alive again after hibernating for so long. I just want to shout at the top of the mountain that I am back. I am back!!!!!!!!
So, here's to new beginnings.
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