I celebrated my 36th birthday yesterday. I did absolutely nothing. No school work. No running kids around here and there. No errands. No making meals. No refereeing fights. No cleaning up after anyone. No laundry. None of that...It was glorious. Bob took the day off and he did all of my normal Thursday activities and chores while I got to lounge around the house and do whatever I wanted to. It was one of my best birthdays ever. I had no guilt about not doing anything. I just basked in the glory of having no responsibilities.
As with every birthday, I did take time to reflect on the year gone by. My birthday is always a good measuring stick for me to look back and evaluate what went well and what I would like to do differently in the upcoming year.
This year was a lot easier in some respects than the previous year. In others it was a lot harder. This past year (from May 2014 to May 2015) Sarah was only hospitalized a few times verse all the time. She has not been hospitalized since September of last year. We have never gone that long without a hospitalization since her diagnosis in 2013. That is something to celebrate. She also has developed no new symptoms of her disease. That, too, is something to shout for joy about. On the flip side, she did lose her vision for good (at least until a cure if found) this past year. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow on the one hand, but on the other hand I was grateful that we had a little over a year of vision loss and vision recovery so that Sarah could slowly get used to what it is like to live life as a visually impaired person.
I saw friends lose their daughter this past year. That hit me hard because there nothing I can/could do to help them - to ease their pain. This sweet beautiful little girl died - for what reason I will never know. I cannot even begin to imagine their unbelievable heartache. Their tragedy helped me to see just how lucky I am despite all we have been through with Sarah. It also made me realize, that God forbid, a fate should fall upon her like that of my friends' angel of a daughter that I will be forever grateful for the time that I did have with Sarah.
I also saw a family member of mine struggle deeply this past year. I wanted so badly to fix everything for her. To make everything better for her, but it wasn't until very recently that I realized I cannot do that. I can offer her my love and I can let her know that if she ever needs me to help her I will, but I cannot force change. And quite honestly, my suggestions of change are not what she wants. They are not the answers to her problems from her perspective. I have to honor the fact that she will make her own changes in her own life in her own time. Her life is not mine to live for her nor are my suggestions and help even helpful to her. In that same token - I have to stop carrying her in my heart. I have carried her problems around inside of me for a long time. Mulling them over - trying to find a solution. I have lost sleep over this. Given myself stress headaches over all that I have pondered. I can love her with all of my heart and still be there for her without carrying her burdens on my back. That is not my place. It took me a long, long, time to realize that. And once I did it took me a couple of days to unpack all of the junk I carried (not because she asked me to, but because it is in my nature to do so) and to let it go. I feel much better now that I have released all of that stress.
Obviously, this past year we made a big move from the Midwest to the Southwest. I thought that by moving I would tame that restlessness in my heart that I carry around with me, but I have been finding lately that it has found me even in the beauty of this place. It is a different kind of restlessness than the one I experienced in Ohio. The feeling has actually been bumming me out pretty badly because it wasn't supposed to find me again. I took care of the feeling by moving out of my old surroundings to something different. A couple of days ago I was driving in the car when, out of the blue, this thought hit me: This restlessness will follow me wherever I go because this feeling is not coming from an external source, but rather from an internal one. Until I handle the internal issues of where this restlessness is coming from - I will never be free of it. That was a pretty profound thought for me and I have mulled it over pretty consistently since I had it.
This past year I have also struggled a lot with the feeling of wanting the world to slow down a bit so I can catch my breath. I feel like my life is in a constant state of motion - of errands, of running kids around, of housework, of making meals, of laundry, etc...I just want it to stop - just for a while - so that I can catch my breath and get a hold on things. Do you ever have that feeling? Of just wanting to hit the pause button so that you can have just one damn minute to yourself to get a grasp on life? I realized, the day after the epiphany above, that life is not going to slow down for me. That I must learn to stand still in myself among the rushing responsibilities of my life. It is only then that I will be able to catch my breath. Again, the external things in my life are not going to help me to feel more at ease, less restless, more calm. I must learn to do those things inside of myself. Only there can I find what I am looking for.
Both of these thoughts are profound for me. They both have become my biggest goals for the upcoming year. To learn more about my restlessness and why/where that comes from and then to also find the calm inside (and to become restored in that) despite the busyness of my life. I am also going to seek optimal health: physical, mental, emotional. There is a reason we moved down here. I felt it so strongly when we first moved here. There is a beauty that speaks to me, and I can feel God's presence here. I haven't felt that in many, many years prior to moving here.
Another change this year is that I now regularly go to church. I began when I first moved here and went to several different churches. There were a couple of really good ones that I found, but finally found a home with a large church in town. The pastor is amazing and his sermons touch me in a way that I have never felt before in other church settings. For many years I have fought God. I was going to live my life my way and I didn't need anyone else's help let alone God's. I was hateful towards God after Sarah's diagnosis and then after the anger I felt nothing for Him for a long time. But when I moved here something changed. I see God in the mountains and on the trails I walk. I see Him as I look out over the city from my backyard at night or as I gaze up into the beautiful evening sky. I see Him as I watch the sunrise over the mountains and see the sunset in the West. He is everywhere and He speaks to me here (or maybe He has always tried to speak with me I am only just now listening) and it gives me comfort. I plan on following this journey to where it is meant to lead me. I don't ever want to become the type of person who is hateful and hypocritical of others and uses God as a defense mechanism to spew out hatred and judgement of others. At the same time though, I am weary and tired of going it alone. I wonder, more and more, with each passing week if I just learned to rely on God and to trust in Him than maybe I wouldn't have to go it alone anymore. We will see....
I feel in a lot of ways that so much has changed in the past year. In other ways I feel that not much has changed at all. This upcoming year is going to be a good one - tough, but good. I know that this year is going to grow me and change me in some really good hard ways. I can feel it, but I know that I will come out on the other side a much better, healthier, more authentic me. And there is nothing better than that.
Happy birthday!
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