Throwing my kids into public school and going out and getting a full time job seems quite glorious right now. I know that if I actually did those things I would hate every minute of it, but right now the grass looks so much greener on the other side of the fence.
My kiddos, I hate to say it, are driving me insane. Their bad habits seem amplified right now and I cannot help but see them as a reflection of all that I am doing wrong in parenting them.
The version of the English language that I use to communicate with them is not compatible with their hearing capabilities as of late, and I wonder if I shouldn't start to speak another language to them entirely.
I would love for someone else to take charge of them for 6-8 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone else to deal with their attitudes and habits. Imagine a break from my kids 5 days a week for 8+ hours a day. To be alone! Without someone yelling, "Mom!" or if they are particularly whiny, "MMMMOOOOOOMMMMM!!!".
I would love to be able to share the blame in their laziness, bad attitudes, bad habits. After all, if they were in public school I could blame the kids they were hanging out with or the teachers they had for their bad attitudes. (Actually, I wouldn't do that because my kids are in charge of their own behaviors, but it's nice to feel like I could blame someone else if I wanted to.)
As a stay-at-home homeschooling mama my kids behaviors (or lack-there-of) are completely on me. I have no one else to point the finger at. It is also completely on me to make sure that they are ready to legally face the world when they are 18 despite the fact that they may not be emotionally, mentally, or financially ready. They do not have any special mentors or adults in their lives to help shape them into the people they are becoming each and every day. They have me. Good old me with all of my own imperfections and struggles (and positive attributes too).This overwhelming feeling is multiplied when you move your family 1700 miles away from their home base and then still decide to be a stay-at-home homeschooling mama.
Lately, when I look at my kids all I seem to be able to see is all the ways that I am not preparing them for the adult world. I feel confident that a public school would be just as inadequate, but at least I could feel like it was a joint failed effort, right?
I want my kids to be authentic. I want them to be grounded. I want them to have grateful hearts. I want them to have an amazing work ethic. I want them to know that nothing is handed to them. Everything in life must worked for - usually from the ground up. I want them to know what responsibility is. I want them to be honest. I want them to challenge thoughts that do not sit right with them even if it means challenging me.
Right now it seems like I am preparing them to have none of those attributes. I have a 15 year old son who lives with his head in the clouds. You cannot live an adult life with your head in the clouds.I have a 13 year old son who is very one dimensional - what if his dreams don't come true? What will he have to fall back on? I have a 10 (almost 11) year old daughter who struggles most days to just get through the day physically. What do you even do with that as a parent? I have a 9 year old daughter who will be working at the local Hooters at 17 because she lied about her age and said she was 18. Enough said on that one.
I just feel like I have been treading water for a bit too long and I cannot sustain the pace any longer. I either need to get out of the water all together or get a different method of trying to keep my head above it because life right now is just not working out in a way that is going to keep me sane for much longer.
Dear God, please tell me I am not alone.
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